Resiliency Training 101 | 15 Basic but Hard-Learned Truths
15 things I’ve learned about resilience - not from a textbook, but from lived experience, years of reflection and helping others survive the unthinkable.
Today’s world often confuses resilience with perfection.
Or with never crying, never faltering, never breaking stride - but resilience isn’t always stoic. Or robotic.
It’s survival with your soul in tact.
It’s crying but marching on anyway.
It’s choosing to live through everything, not in spite of it.
As someone who has lived through trauma, mass violence, betrayal, grief, and rebirth, I don’t just write about resilience - I embody it.
In hospitals, after political violence, assaults, moments of utter despair - I didn’t just bounce back. I rebuilt. I rewired.
And I want to help others do the same.
So here’s what I know to be true about resilience - not from theory or textbooks but from bone-deep experience:
What I Know About Resilience
1 | Resilience isn’t resistance - it’s recovery.
Being strong doesn’t mean refusing to bend. It means knowing how to heal when you break. It means developing flexibility.
Resistance tightens; resilience releases.
One may leave you brittle and easy to break.
The other keeps you alive.
2 | It requires faith in something bigger - but also in yourself.
Being resilient doesn’t make you omniscient. Being strong doesn’t mean you can guarantee an outcome.
It means you believe that your pain has purpose.
It means your story has worth.
It means you are not finished yet.
That faith - whether spiritual, intuitive, ancestral or all of the above - is the foundation and the fuel.
3 | No one can give you resilience - only remind you it’s already within you.
Therapists, mentors, friends and books can guide you, but there is no magic resiliency fairy with a forcefield of dust to sprinkle. The strength must be born from your own resolve.
True resilience is self-sourced.
It awakens the moment you decide to keep going.
4 | Resiliency is a rhythm, not a constant state.
There will be days when you feel like a warrior.
There will be days when you fall apart.
Both count.
What matters is that you don’t shame yourself for the days you need to lie down. Honestly, I greatly struggle with this one - forgive yourself if you do, too.
It’s all part of the cycle.
Cry. Rest. Rise.
5 | Resilient people still feel everything.
Being resilient does not mean being numb.
You feel grief. Joy. Rage. Love. Confusion.
But you metabolize the emotion instead of letting it freeze or frazzle you.
Studies show emotional processing is a key part of post-traumatic growth.
I’ll never forget the moment - five years after the shooting - when I realized I was only feeling pissed off, not enraged - being able to differentiate between the two. In spite of the flashbacks to being a toddler, it was a major milestone.
Experience and metabolize the emotion.
Suppression only leads to burnout and breakdowns.
6 | You need the right tools - and regular tune-ups.
Whether journaling, therapy, prayer, self-care, nutrition, sleep, support groups - a resilient person is well-prepared.
A trauma-informed toolbox matters. And, like any toolbox, you have to open and maintain it.
As always, timing is everything. Know when to open up and retune - and don’t delay.
Resilience isn’t a one-time thing - it’s an ongoing investment.
What’s in my Resiliency Toolbox?
Gardening, Breath work, self-care, prayer, meditation, fitness, therapy, routines and… writing this article.
7 | Community matters - but not everyone can come with you.
Some people will misunderstand your healing.
Others will resent your growth.
Friends will fall away - and that hurts.
But your resilience isn’t meant to convince others - it’s meant to carry you forward.
Forgive those who couldn’t stay - and recognize there’s no need for blame - however, perhaps take this as a good opportunity to evaluate your interpersonal communication skills.
Do they know you need help?
8 | True resilience includes asking for help.
We don’t do this alone - not ever.
The most resilient people plan for support.
They ask for it.
They ought to receive it.
Mutual aid and connection are part of surviving and thriving - especially for marginalized people.
Call to Action: Casually check in on your resilient friend today.
9 | Resilience is not selfish. It’s sacred.
When you care for yourself fiercely and consistently, you show other it’s possible.
When you heal out loud (preferably without choking on self-pity), you invite others to do the same.
Most importantly, you doll out love and compassion upon your highest self. This world is cruel and receiving love is not guaranteed - express it inwards and you’ll radiate it outward.
Resilience isn’t armor. It’s an offering.
Ultimately, to truly show up for others, you need to be the best possible version of yourself.
10 | You are allowed to protect your peace.
Boundaries are a core part of resilience. So is discernment.
Not everyone gets access to your energy. Your energy is yours and yours alone. You dictate how to choose how and to whom you disperse your energy - no one else.
That’s not cruelty. That’s sustainability.
11 | You don’t have to prove you’ve suffered to earn joy.
This one’s radical.
Many survivors carry guilt when life finally gets good again (and it does).
But you are allowed to laugh again.
Thrive again.
Feel safe again.
Give yourself permission to let the good land.
12 | Resilience requires remembering joy.
Even in the hardest seasons, we can reach for beauty.
A sunrise. A song. A sky. A memory of love.
That’s not avoidance, it’s fuel.
Studies on neuroplasticity show that intentionally focusing on micro-moments of joy can rewire trauma responses.
I suggest starting a physical “Rainy Day” list - searching for the sweetest memories to savor and writing it down is a treat for the soul.
It reinforces gratitude.
And when the clouds roll in, let your Rainy Day list shine.
13 | Resilience honors the past but builds forward.
You can remember your path thus far, learn from it and imagine something better.
Carry what leads to your something better, honor the challenges you’ve overcome - and bury them with dignity.
Your identity, your path is shaped by what you’ve lived through thus far - not determined or limited by it.
14 | Resilient people disrupt cycles.
When you choose healing, you’re not just saving yourself.
You’re breaking intergenerational patterns.
You’re altering futures.
You’re taking control of you.
That’s not soft.
That’s revolutionary.
15 | You don’t have to hustle for healing.
Resilience isn’t a race.
You’re not behind.
There is no finish line.
There is only the next breath.
The next step.
The next act of grace.
If you’re reading this, you already carry resilience.
Perhaps it’s dormant. Maybe it’s raw.
I argue it’s rising.
But it’s there - and it’s a holy treasure. Not because you’re unbreakable but because you choose to keep loving, creating, evolving - even living after the breaking.
You are not weak for being human.
You are resilient for choosing to remain one.
xoxo
Allison 💋
If you’re seeking a speaker, panelist or writer who brings lived wisdom, intersectional nuance and soul-deep resilience to every room - I’d love to connect.
Beautiful piece full of wisdom Allison ✨
POWERFUL words!