Go To Hell, PTSD: Celebrating to Help TheAntiHeroine Reclaim Halloween

Support my quest to conquer PTSD by celebrating Halloween extra hard this year. Twenty years ago, a predator stole far too much. Let's take it back.

If you haven’t noticed, I’ve been digging the Halloween theme this year.

Perhaps my tone has been a bit darker and I’ve gotten some concerned DMs (I love you each dearly).

The truth is, I am RECLAIMING Halloween (and October, for that matter) from a demonic predator scarier than any Halloween costume.

First, please know I’m okay - just using my PTSD coping mechanisms extra hard for a couple weeks.

But for Halloween 2024, I cordially invite you to celebrate All Hallow’s Eve and strengthen me to conquer PTSD.

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Twenty years ago, on October 29th, 2004, the Friday before Halloween, I was drugged at a costume party and subsequently sexually assaulted by the man meant to keep me safe.

By "assaulted,” I mean raped.

It was my first real experience with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

Don’t worry, this article gets significantly happier.

Year after year, recurring or anniversary PTSD murdered my Halloween spirit.

Each October, my nightmares grew more lucid, real, as the anniversary drew closer.

On the worst nights, while falling asleep, a demon’s claws dug their way out of my mattress, delving claws into my abdomen to drag me to hell. Fully aware but physically frozen, the fear rendered me unable to finish the Our Father.

Thoroughly sleep deprived, irrational and uncontrollable crying spiraled into… well eventually sleep.

Usually aided by a light sedative.

An exhausted woman collapses on floor

By the 10th or 11th of October, I finally recognized the recurring PTSD as intrusive thoughts invaded my mind.

Plus, the physiological symptoms.

Point being, by Halloween I was an emotional zombie.

For 18 years, Halloween fucking haunted me.

Until I decided to declare All Hallow’s Eve as my own.

Three years ago, 2021, I started slowly in Naples, Florida. Safely surrounded by Mom, Dad and their very impressive crew, we headed down to Fifth Avenue.

Halloween in Naples, Fl with the Best Dad in the Whole Wide World.

And we saw some BRILLIANT costumes:

A random wicked witch and her pimp? Or is it the other way around?

It was an easy night full of laughter.

But I still experienced the physiological effects the following week and extended my trip quite a bit.

I spent October 2022 in Philly with an all time favorite AntiHeroines, Wednesday Addams, who inspired sharper edges, but I spent a month frozen in the ether.

In 2023, I dressed like a superhero (She-Ra, for the record) for my niece’s first birthday, checked out some decorations, spent at least a month using coping mechanisms, reading Leigh Bardugo’s Ninth House and not much else.

It’s now October 2024.

I started buying my “spooky” decor in September.

I’ve bulking up on Poe, Shakespeare, Agatha and Bardugo.

But what I really want is for you, and all of Substack, to celebrate Halloween with me.¹

Please, post your pictures of your costumes or adorable kids.

Write me a story.

Decorate with whatever tackiness you can find.

If Dia de los Muertos is more your speed, visit the cemetery or build your altar with reverence.

But, please take back this time of year, help me send 20 years of PTSD to hell by embracing your spooky side and celebrating.

Strong women celebrating halloween

Together, let’s stand together against hell and the power it yields, say fuck the bullshit and rock this Halloween.

Thank you to anyone who reads and all who have helped over the years - especially my parents and brother.

Happy Halloween, my pretties. Celebrate with reverence.

If you or anyone you know has been a victim of sexual abuse and need help, contact RAINN, (Rape & Abuse Incest National Network), please visit their website or call 1-800-656-4673.

1. I also really wanted revisit Edgar Allen Poe’s house in Philadelphia. But, in an act of literary blasphemy, they still haven’t finished renovations by Halloween.